Be a Fan, Tom Brady
This is an open letter to Mr. Tom Brady, on behalf of all who respect but oppose him. This is THE Mr. Tom Brady. The sixth-round draft pick turned football legend. The only guy not named Charles Haley to win five Super Bowls. The guy married to – well, you get it.
Dear Mr. Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr.,
I understand you want your playing career to be as long as your full name, presumably to torture legions of football fans not located primarily in the New England area. Well sir, I aim to change your mind. The benefits of retiring from professional football are many (and I’m not just saying that as a perpetually bitter San Francisco 49ers fan – I know, I know. They were your team too. But that was before you became a powerhouse QB.)
First off: commercials. I know you’ve done a few before. Intel, Rolex, etc. But why wouldn’t you want to take some more time selling things and making regular television appearances? Peyton Manning is doing plenty of commercials. Think you can keep up? Come on, you’re a competitive guy. You can’t let Manning outshine you. He looks happier in those Nationwide commercials than you have in your own. You’ve got a better smile than Manning, so why not stifle him just like your defense did in 2004 and 2005?
If that isn’t tempting enough, perhaps you’re tired of being the resident ‘old man’ in the locker room. There are players currently in the NFL who weren’t alive until the twilight of the Clinton Administration. You were born when Saturday Night Fever and Star Wars first came out. There is wisdom in age, and you’ve aged gracefully, but wouldn’t it be nice to feel young again?
You know, sign up for some golf tournaments, host older NFL luminaries in your mansion, relax and crack a beverage with Joe Montana, trade some war stories, the whole nine. It’s your time to watch NFL Films, complete with the slow-motion throws, epic battle music and confetti raining down from the rafters. It’d be a rebirth and reminder of your undying legacy.
Which brings me to this: you have accomplished just about everything one can accomplish in your sport. You, Tom Brady, have won MVP awards, won five Super Bowls, and you hold countless NFL records. If you’re not the greatest quarterback in NFL history, well, you and Montana can play rock, paper, scissors to settle that debate (Pro Tip: I hear Joe likes to go with ‘rock’.)
People can be fickle when it comes to their favorite teams. Football is no exception, but teams like the Cleveland Browns and Oakland Raiders still have passionate, loyal fan bases. If that doesn’t say something about the state of fandom in the NFL, I don’t know what does. Mr. Tom Brady, I want you to experience the joy of being a fan again. Come on home and return your allegiance to your childhood team. Please. You can root for the Pats too, I guess. But we could use all the good mojo you’ve got over in San Francisco.
Okay, I probably haven’t done much to convince you by now, so I’ll settle for this: if you want to test Father Time, take a cue from LeBron and spend your silver years in the Golden State. Be closer to family. Your former backup, Jimmy Garoppolo, is gone and we’re desperate. Then, as far as I’m concerned, you can play until your legs give out or the Browns/Raiders win a playoff game, whichever comes first.
Is the above a ridiculous request? Perhaps. But it sure would be a heck of a new challenge, wouldn’t it?
A sincerely despondent 49ers fan